free fall

Soup AU confirmed

Wow. So, I logged into an old Evernote account a while back to get an address. Ever since, Evernote has taken it upon itself to link up to my Google, and will display Evernotes in a sidebar widget that it thinks are relevant to my Google searches. But unlike Google's native sidebar offerings, the Evernote posts are NEVER related. ...Or are they?

I googled Campbell's soup to confirm that they are, indeed, headquartered in Paris, TX, and it gave me an Evernote that started with Castiel. (Also my packing list for Russia in 2012--what that has to do with Campbell's soup, I really don't know!!) So as far as I'm concerned--Soup AU confirmed.

I don't remember writing these scene, though I definitely remember the fic it's from and I know why I cut it: Dean didn't belong in the fic (as usual, apparently, lol). Not even as a memory Sam realizes he needs to revise, now that he knows what's really been up with the last few months. The point of the fic was aggressively not thinking about Dean unless Castiel brought him up. This is from S9, 2015:

Cas lingers about, filling the bunker in a way Dean never had.

Not that Dean didn't linger; were Sam to take a tally, Dean's spent maybe 80% of his life lingering places he shouldn't be. And however much Dean took the pleasures of the bunker to their (frankly illogical) extreme--the dead guy robes, the dead guy kitchen, the dead guy percolator--he'd been skittish living here. And maybe losing his mind a little, Sam had thought, every time Dean's conversational abilities skewed aphasic, meaning and order spilling out worse than alphabet soup, or he caught Dean looking at him like he wasn't really him, wasn't really his brother.

He'd panicked, of course, every time he thought of Dean losing in that way; thinking his last flirtation with death might have finally kicked Dean Winchester--spinning golden plate that he is--off-kilter. But there wasn't anything Sam could do, except step into whatever allure of normalcy the bunker and its many amenities provided, and try to remain as calm as possible. Wait until Dean got scared enough to let him in.

Dean scared all right, and he sure let something in. It just wasn't Sam, and it wasn't into Dean.

Sam can still feel that cosmic, white-hot slipstream billowing up his throat.
free fall

Soup AU

Who knew Castiel was a Ford man? (Luxury Ford.) And in Paris, TX, the home of Campbell's soup! I feel like there's some kind of intensely weird AU available here, that combines, like... the Ford moving assembly line/time and motion studies as motif but also pop art and Warhol. I was thinking maybe this is one of Castiel's futures but then I realized it could just as easily be one of this pasts--one of his strange little pockets of existence that he lived when he was ignoring the Winchesters for whatever reason (music and soup reasons) and not in a stretch of episodes.

Maybe it's just something that happens to angels who make a habit of staying too long on Earth. They weren't built for that level of materiality, not really, so sometimes the excess of you--all that untapped Grace--needs to burn off, create a little pocket universe. You live there for a while. Then you go back to normal. Sort of like angelic REM sleep but not at all.



finchandsparrow and I got together for Dean's biiiiirthday and made a pie! Well, we made a quiche! And roasted carrots! And partook of a sweet potato pie I made last night. We also drank "shots" of root beer and "Purple Nurple" that tasted VERY PURPLE but was actually clear because apparently Capri Sun doesn't use food dyes, pfft. (But this particular Capri Sun was from a cabin in rural Tennessee/Virginia and has been sitting at the bottom of my fridge since last August, so it was a particularly good Purple Nurple candidate.)

We played some Mad Libs while the quiche cooked--SPN-themed, naturally--and then watched 15x10 before heading to a college women's gymnastics meet, which was admittedly not related but still relevant. (And one woman did her beam routine to Eye of the Tiger.)

Dinner Spread!

Birthday Sweet Potato Pie!

All in all, it was a glorious afternoon/evening. The second she dropped me off back at home after the meet, though, I got REAL SAD, because I'm not going to see her for a while, and because starting after my shower in a few minutes, this week is about to get unfathomably awful and it's not really going to stop for a long time. This was like a death row last meal situation. Literally we pulled into my driveway and the sheer dread and anxiety that smacked me in the face was mindblowing. It was already bad. It's already been bad! How the fuck is worse supposed to work?

I'm just. What. Whaaaat. Help. Help help help.

[Fic] Double Happiness - Dean (POV), Sam, bunker B-roll

This fic inspired by me looking at my planner and noticing Dean's birthday and Lunar New Year intersect this year!!!! It was--sort of ironically, I now realize--written entirely on airplanes. It was also written before 15x09 aired (and ignores whatever 15x10 is), so 15x09 canon compliance is HASTY and MINIMAL. Happy birthday to my absolute heart of hearts. <3

Title: Double Happiness
Genre: gen, S15, hurt/comfort, sitting around in the bunker B-roll, yum cup fluff
Characters: Dean (POV), Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: substance abuse
Word Count: 2400
Summary: Sam asks how it feels. "I'm hungover and my back is killing me. Happy birthday to me," Dean replies.

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Notes to self on 15x06 tag

- the format was an interesting idea but I don't think it will actually work for the fic (I wanted to do something with Sam's stream of consciousness that started with a moment, bled in reverse-chronological order to the precipitating moment, and then slingshot back to the opening scene and restarted in chronological order)

- but the plot (in reverse order) wasn't linear enough/the scenes were too disjointed to make it clear that things were happening in reverse. So I'm thinking just initial moment --> flash backward to revisit precipitating circumstances up to that point. return to initial moment --> continue to end.

- most of the 'precipitating moment' stuff can be condensed. I don't think Dean actually needs to be there for most of it. Maybe most of that out of dialogue and into something more elliptical? Create more distance. I think what solidified this for me was this one scene where Sam and Dean have this whole long convo that was just--I dunno. They didn't need to have it, and so the scene became out of character?? It's hard to explain.

I don't think the dialogue itself was that bad. (Okay, some of it was bad.) And I don't think big ol' conversations are inherently out of character for Sam and Dean. That's kind of what they do--you know, BM Brother Moment, the whole shebang. It's not like they're particularly terse/laconic when they've decided they're going to Have a Conversation. It just didn't feel right.

Hilariously, when I wrote the scene a few weeks ago, I think I already knew that, because there's this point where Sam's thinks to himself, IT'S SO FUCKED UP WE'RE HAVING TALKING ABOUT THIS SO DIRECTLY. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. Which like, I'm actually in favor of "OOC" things happening that aren't supposed to happen, because that's real, especially under duress. I like the idea of Sam wrestling with the idea that they're having an interaction that isn't how their usual interactions with each other go. But I think in this case he's a little too right. XPP You got your wish, Sam! The scene is dead! I'll spare you that one.

Here's the scene, which will maybe clarify what I mean. I'm embarrassed to post this but I'm also embarrassed whenever I post full fics, so I guess the moral is, Post Everything: Collapse )

- Pfff I'm acting like I'm cutting all this chaff and really trying to streamline to only the good stuff but so far am still keeping an entire scene about a Netflix frog documentary just because I can. HEMINGWAY WHOMST??

- Still like the weird/dumb experimental section, though. I think it works, even if it's on the dramatic side, haha. Last scene is good, too, but needs to be tightened up. (And turn the volume up on the stakes a little more.)


I'm not sure when I think I'm going to finish this, though, to say nothing of the eps thereafter. MAYBE LATE MARCH, HAHA. April? Life is really, really catastrophically busy, with far too high a proportion of really intensive, high-stakes, literally-the-entire-course-of-my-life-depends-on-this things to just normal work things. Basically I just waffle between despair, dread, and terror all day, with all three rising to a crescendo until they become nearly unbearable right about now. Which is why I'm typing this here instead of working in my other docs. I wish I owned a soundproof room so I could just screaaaaaaaaaaaaam.
fandom text


I had not one but TWO breakthroughs today and I honestly can't tell whether it's all the tinfoil on my head or if what I've found actually suggests that my research project is legit and I'm not just making things up. I feel like a fucking GENIUS. One is a portrait an artist drew of one of my poets a few years ago that perfectly illustrates not only what I believe to be true about the poetry but also the cultural/tropic context through which I'm analyzing it in my dissertation, which WHAAAT. AM I NOT JUST MAKING THINGS UP. AMAZING. And the other, uh, is just the biography of a historical figure that the poet mentions in a poem that serves to connect her work to a completely different set of connections I've made. Since the guy's been dead for over a hundred years obviously the all-important biographical information has been around for a while, but I just realized it and it makes for a perfect segue and omgggggg. DEFINITELY NEEDED THIS.


Also, because this is a SPN blog, I'll 1) note that this must be what it felt like to be translating the stupid tablets--long periods of absolutely incomprehension punctuated by sudden clarities.

Also, the Trans suffered (and continue to suffer) the worst out of every character in SPN, including Sam and Dean, and you can't change my mind. They worked Kevin nearly to death after abandoning him for a year, avoided all non-essential contact with him, refused to offer him safe harbor in a secure location (i.e. the bunker) even after he expressed his need/fear, and then got him actually killed. And they left Linda to be imprisoned/tortured by Crowley purely because they just assumed she was dead and could not be bothered to confirm until Kevin insisted, literally from beyond the Veil. The lives the Trans lived correspond directly to the ways Sam and Dean are deeply inadequate to the tasks laid before them.

LET ME BE CLEAR HERE, I don't think anyone should--or can--be adequate to the tasks laid before Sam and Dean. The whole point is that it's just not possible. I also think it's totally understandable that all this would play out in the way that it did, and that Sam and Dean would make the choices they did, consciously or unconsciously. I don't think it could happen differently, or that it should have. I doubt I'd want it to, frankly. I just think it's important to acknowledge that Sam and Dean have really fucked some shit up, in ways that do not begin to approach "but it was for the grater good" or "but it balances out." The moments where they are truly awful human beings are as profoundly important to how I feel about Sam and Dean as their capacity for warmth, hope, and selflessness. <333333

Fuck it, I'm putting this on every social media I have.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH Kyle Larson just won the 2020 Chili Bowl Nationals!!!!!!!!! LONG ELUSIVE, particularly after running P1 only to have his engine blow in 2018, and running P1 in 2019 only to lose in the last quarter-mile. Took the lead on a restart with 15 to go with an absolutely bonkers pass, survived multiple restarts thereafter and held the lead even as the cushion disintegrated and he spent the last two laps essentially bouncing off the wall.


All the blood rushed to my head on Lap 35 and spent the next 20 laps in physiological distress all the way to the checkered. Absolutely stunning. 💙🏁💙🏁💙🏁





Also, Dean's "okay" in 15x09 just shot to the top of my "Favorite S15 Lines" chart.

Other lines being:

2. "You don't have eyes."
3. "We didn't bond."
4. "You shot me."

(Dean's line clearly belongs in a different genre than these ones, but this is a joke post anyway, and I these are great lines and the only other lines I know off the top of my head. "YOU DON'T HAVE EYES." OMGGGGG.)

** It's not a joke post. Every part of it is true, except for the part where I have a favorite lines chart.