We Always End Up Here.

I am not someone who keeps track of JA or JP's endeavors or lives outside of their characters on SPN (though I do follow Gen and Danneel lol), but I am someone who basically just lets YouTube take the wheel in choosing music for me. And lo! I was listening to whatever YouTube threw at me, per usual, and suddenly I was like... "Is this Jensen Ackles?" And I looked at the artist, and was like, that does sound vaguely familiar as a thing that I have heard of. And of course it was.

Solid background music for today's Summergen fic, gotta say! (Did you like that product placement? VELVETY SMOOTH.)


Today's Edition of "Things I Loved Before I Dropped Everything For SPN"

I needed something to passively watch while scanning images and documents, and because Law and Order was not readily available ended up with House. I picked S5 at random and ughhh gotta say, it holds up. <3

House is the only show I've ever purposefully and religiously tuned in for every week, outside of SPN. The relationship was very different from SPN, obviously, in that at no point in my entire life have I ever wanted anything more about House than what is contained in the episodes, least of all fic or fandom. I stopped enjoying House in S6 and therefore stopped watching (though five or six years later did go back and finish out the however-many seasons there were--and came again to the conclusion that I'd stopped at the right point for me). That never really colored my enjoyment of S1-5 reruns, though.

I'm two episodes out from a traumatic character death--a character death that happened twelve years ago, and I still feel visceral dread. That's not what I wanted out of this casual rewatch, so I may just stop, but I wanted to mark for posterity how powerful cherished stories will probably always be.

It's funny, because earlier today I saw a piece of fan art for a family I wrote a lot of fic for in the mid/late-00s (this would also have been my peak House time period, and my original Bleach period). I stopped reading that series when I stopped enjoying it as well, though I've never gone back to revisit it.

But I saw this art, of the character and his brother and mother walking through rows of tall and tangled tomato plants. His brother and mother's faces are obscured by tomato leaves and vines.

I'd completely forgotten his love of tomatoes until I saw this piece, which had been painted for his birthday. But the second I saw them I was like, oh, of course. Of course, baby. <3 It's the brightest, sunniest, sweetest little summer vibes tomato picture. But you can see his family's obscured faces and you just know--it's a dream. It's a wish. (Because when he is 8 years old, his brother [age 13] kills their parents and every other relative he encounters on his way out the door. Everyone except his little brother.)

EXQUISITE PAIN, even for a character I haven't thought seriously about since 2009 and whose story I know I will never finish, nor will I ever revisit the half that I did love. I don't carry this love for this family around, day to day. But I keep it at home, and a rogue tomato fan art can break it open at a moments notice. <333

It's funny, because I've been thinking a lot about whether I want Bleach to be a fic fandom this time around (it was not the first time), and I really don't know. I would like it to be, because I don't know how to do long-term fandom if not by writing. But I'm still not sure if I feel so moved in my heart. Are there stories I want to explore? Can I learn these characters in new way through writing, can I fall more in love with them in this way?

But thinking about this tomato kid and his family--characters I have not written nor thought seriously about in over a decade--I'm just like, oh, I could write you in a heartbeat. I could do it right now. I barely even remember his mother's name, but I know who she is on the page. I know exactly how I'd love them through writing.


Forget star signs, what AO3 sign are you? I am T-gen-no archive warnings apply-complete.

Sometimes G if Sam and Dean are just sitting around and sometimes M, generally if terrible things happen and the POV doesn't appear to fully recognize that that's the case. Occasional "Graphic depictions of violence" (see M) and Major Character Death.

(Though... does anyone look at those graphics and actually get mileage out of them? Like, if you want that info, can you look at that square and easily determine whether it's something you want to read or not? Because I definitely needed to use the alt text to even guess what the symbols were supposed to mean. I'd say "well, this isn't good design" but I don't tend to read headers or tags in the first place (just summary and cut-text, if applicable), so I shouldn't be the one to make that determination. XD

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🎵Bells - Unlikely Candidates

In my most immediate present, I'm supposed to be a writing an hour-long talk I haven't started, that I am allegedly giving IN 24 HOURS. I'm supposed to be finishing a museum exhibit I should have finished over a week ago. I'm supposed to be grading the literal mountain of things now in my inbox and responding to way too many email requests.

But instead I am having a CRISIS because this song came up:

Bells - Unlikely Candidates
You wasted all your life
You never got it right
Now we'll teach you about loss and pain
But there's something that's shining blue
Can I ever take from you
You can take my gun
You can take my boots
But those howls, they're coming for you

I used to see the light in the dark souls around me
Now when I come through the sky
I'm not asking why
When the bell hits 12, I'll swing
And where we go
Nobody knows
Those bells are ringing, ringing loud

I don't know the specific story or segment of their story as already written that this pertains to explicitly, but you can pry this tune from Sam and Dean's cold dead hands. It's theirs.

When the chorus just hits that plaintive note. Aah!
free fall

lol "goals"

Overstimulated and then some. So many things--that need to get done or that can't be done but must be continually dealt with. But I did want to say that I kept to my goal of reading one piece that wasn't work-related over the last few weeks. I enjoyed most of these a lot! The first and last are longer, but the middle ones are quite short!

The Tyranny of Time by Joe Zadeh, which is about time, natural time, the standardization of time, the impacts of clock-keeping, and late capitalism/environmental disaster. (Naturally my primary takeaway was about whether the spiritual realm in Bleach was round like a planet and how the sun influenced their architecture.)

Because of Palestine by N.A.Mansour, which is about being a scholar of history from Palestine, working in the U.S., and what stories the archive does and does not tell.

How to Tell a Trauma Story by Bethany Marcel, which is SUBLIME and funny and horrible and wonderful. She talks through a lot of things I think about a lot when writing Sam and Dean, so that's an added bonus on top of it being immaculate to begin with.

The Reality Behind the Dream of Total Freedom by Sebastian Junger, which is about a topic I think about endlessly but often find difficult to articulate due to its capaciousness, the way the ideas it interrogates are so baked into assumed norms. It made me really want to read his full book. This one also has big SPN vibes.