S15 Except the Entire Season is Set in Michigan: Another Episode IX

It's definitely time for another one of these. Because WOW this has some SPN energy--combining the camp with the traumatized and macabre. 100% a setting for a ghost hunt with Sam and Dean's name on it. O_o

She remembers the bloodbath she had to clean up after investigators finished their work. There is still blood inside she cannot reach.

The Sieslings rented the house and were friends, she said.

Everyone in the area knows what happened there. Just the mention of the address raises eyebrows. Drivers slow down, staring and pointing, with people sometimes yelling as they pass, she said. For Amanda, the house – a “Walker legend,” as she put it – is where she raised her children.

“We know some people might look at and say, ‘Oh my God, oh my God.’ This is my way of saying, ‘We are well aware. Stop screaming at us when you’re driving past my house.’”

“We’re not heartless. We’re not monsters. … But it happened. This is my way of saying, ‘I am absolutely aware of what happened here.”

She said she welcomes anyone to talk to her about it.

“Come knock on my door. Then ask me what I had to clean up. Maybe this is my way of dealing with it.”

[Music Rec] Used to the Darkness by Des Rocs

Some days you're just minding your own business (or rather, your business is very much minding you, "minding" here meaning holding you hostage with no days off forever someplace dark and sad), and then a song comes on and PUNCHES YOU IN THE STOMACH WITH WINCHESTER FEELINGS. Like, my stomach literally hurts there's so many Winchester feelings in there.

I've made mistakes, Lord struck me down
Caught in a landslide, lost underground
I hear them gates, swing open wide

Come close to midnight, hell fade me down
And then my eyes got used to the darkness
And everyone that I knew
Was lost and so long forgotten after you

Now would you pray before you twist the knife?
Yeah, would you take my hand and take a life?
I'm too damn young to give up on the night
I'm used to the darkness, I'm used to the darkness
I'm just a man, I'm only flesh and bone
I can't blame it back on everything I've done
And now there's no-one else left to love
I'm used to the darkness, I'm used to the darkness

I like this song for them because I think reading the lyrics on their own they sound kind of wet blanket, lol--but there's this edge of defiance to the way its sung, to the insistence of the guitar strums. The chorus makes the questions feel as though they're not really questions--but not because the speaker actually knows the answers. Maybe they're invitations, except the speaker doesn't really want his interlocutor to say yes (but he also does). There are obvious hell/demon deal at midnight visuals at work here that seem like they'd suggest S4 (possibly intercut with 5x22 and S6/7) but in my mind I think this song actually belongs a lot later. What's one more nightmare?

At the beginning of the month, finchandsparrow and I had the great pleasure of going to the opening of quickreaver's gallery show, which was a totally sublime experience in all possible ways. <33333 What a treat!

On the drive home, I played a CD I made in 2018 called "Sick Beatz 2018" that has a lot of songs I associated with Cars and some with SPN, and finchandsparrow and I got into a conversation about whether there was a difference in how strongly we felt about our Sam songs vs a Dean songs. Weirdly enough as the Samgirl between us she felt more strongly about her Dean songs and I, as the Deangirl, think I probably feel more strongly about my Sam songs! But now that I've kept thinking about it I also think that I have more songs that are for both of them (or for particular seasons) than I do for them separately.

Kansas Byways: US-36

The last few weeks have been completely off the wall, but for part of it my sister and I drove across the country (she is moving from Boston to Modesto). We passed through Kansas in one shot, and about a third of the way through my sister asked, "What's a good stopping point for Jax?" (Her dog.)

I said we were about 100 miles out from Lebanon, and the geographic center of the contiguous United States, and did she want to stop there?

She asked why I knew Kansas so well. And I said, "well, I've been here before."

Once in person (but many


many times with Sam and Dean).

* Fun fact, I was born and raised in California but the only thing I actually know about Modesto is that it's the town Dean says he and Sam are from when they're pretending to be Troy Squire's concerned uncles in 1x01.
free fall


Since I was complaining about involuntary content on the Internet, one of Tumblr's Suggested Blogs was actually right on the money. Apparently, sometimes Tumblr will also evaluate its life choices and think, you know, maybe this person actually just wants some pumpkins.

So it suggested this pumpkin blog. It is a blog about pumpkins, no fuss, just pictures of pumpkins that are growing and sometimes Ask responses talking about pumpkin cultivars and heirloom varieties. It is great. Fantastic. Absolutely the best Tumblr I follow.

I LOVE the pumpkin blog.

REC: "Locked In"

Hello, please stop whatever you are doing right now and click on this and read this and leave a comment and kudos:

Locked In

It's the Summergen fic that was written for me, and it's the best ghost POV and the best locked-in scenario that I have ever read. I say this because these are both things I love and whenever people write them they're always pretty good, but the execution here is knockout. There aren't words that can articulate fine enough distinctions to appropriately describe how good I think this fic is.

It's funny, because there's that fandom feeling where like, "Oh, I don't usually like X trope, so it has to be written really well for me to tackle that." But I don't see us talking as often about like, the tropes that we're probably always going to enjoy reading, no matter what, and are always going to be happy to have read--but how those have to be written to an entirely new level for you to realize, holy shit, I was always going to love this but this is so good it just unlocked an entirely new experience of loving this. To me that seems like a much stiffer challenge, but for me this is it, this is the fic that does that. Everything about it is perfect.

It's elegant and moody ands scary and thinky and funny and poignant--and it's doing this all with a sense of horror that is both firmly grounded in incredibly human experiences but also feels irreducible to that, because the story is also so much the story of a ghost, and from a ghost.

Man, I wish I were one of those fandom people who has like, a following, where I can post/reblog/rec something and dozens of people would just be like "Yes" and I could noticeably direct the flow of traffic. But I am very deeply not, in any fandom, on any platform. So... I'll do what I can. PLEASE READ!

We Always End Up Here.

I am not someone who keeps track of JA or JP's endeavors or lives outside of their characters on SPN (though I do follow Gen and Danneel lol), but I am someone who basically just lets YouTube take the wheel in choosing music for me. And lo! I was listening to whatever YouTube threw at me, per usual, and suddenly I was like... "Is this Jensen Ackles?" And I looked at the artist, and was like, that does sound vaguely familiar as a thing that I have heard of. And of course it was.

Solid background music for today's Summergen fic, gotta say! (Did you like that product placement? VELVETY SMOOTH.)


Today's Edition of "Things I Loved Before I Dropped Everything For SPN"

I needed something to passively watch while scanning images and documents, and because Law and Order was not readily available ended up with House. I picked S5 at random and ughhh gotta say, it holds up. <3

House is the only show I've ever purposefully and religiously tuned in for every week, outside of SPN. The relationship was very different from SPN, obviously, in that at no point in my entire life have I ever wanted anything more about House than what is contained in the episodes, least of all fic or fandom. I stopped enjoying House in S6 and therefore stopped watching (though five or six years later did go back and finish out the however-many seasons there were--and came again to the conclusion that I'd stopped at the right point for me). That never really colored my enjoyment of S1-5 reruns, though.

I'm two episodes out from a traumatic character death--a character death that happened twelve years ago, and I still feel visceral dread. That's not what I wanted out of this casual rewatch, so I may just stop, but I wanted to mark for posterity how powerful cherished stories will probably always be.

It's funny, because earlier today I saw a piece of fan art for a family I wrote a lot of fic for in the mid/late-00s (this would also have been my peak House time period, and my original Bleach period). I stopped reading that series when I stopped enjoying it as well, though I've never gone back to revisit it.

But I saw this art, of the character and his brother and mother walking through rows of tall and tangled tomato plants. His brother and mother's faces are obscured by tomato leaves and vines.

I'd completely forgotten his love of tomatoes until I saw this piece, which had been painted for his birthday. But the second I saw them I was like, oh, of course. Of course, baby. <3 It's the brightest, sunniest, sweetest little summer vibes tomato picture. But you can see his family's obscured faces and you just know--it's a dream. It's a wish. (Because when he is 8 years old, his brother [age 13] kills their parents and every other relative he encounters on his way out the door. Everyone except his little brother.)

EXQUISITE PAIN, even for a character I haven't thought seriously about since 2009 and whose story I know I will never finish, nor will I ever revisit the half that I did love. I don't carry this love for this family around, day to day. But I keep it at home, and a rogue tomato fan art can break it open at a moments notice. <333

It's funny, because I've been thinking a lot about whether I want Bleach to be a fic fandom this time around (it was not the first time), and I really don't know. I would like it to be, because I don't know how to do long-term fandom if not by writing. But I'm still not sure if I feel so moved in my heart. Are there stories I want to explore? Can I learn these characters in new way through writing, can I fall more in love with them in this way?

But thinking about this tomato kid and his family--characters I have not written nor thought seriously about in over a decade--I'm just like, oh, I could write you in a heartbeat. I could do it right now. I barely even remember his mother's name, but I know who she is on the page. I know exactly how I'd love them through writing.