April 6th, 2015


for those ten seconds or less, i'm free

I feel like I want to crack my ribs open and rinse out all my insides. I wanna take a big breath and scream real loud and then just get in a car and turn the radio all the way up and drive and drive and drive, west until I hit emptiness, and darkness and there's no one but me on the road. I want nothing between me and the wind. And when I get to the coast I want to jump into the swell and hold my breath. And hold it.

I've been waiting all day until I could come home and cry, and finally here I am. But now what? I don't own a car and Kate-who-lives-below-me is actually at home right now, so she might hear me. Plus there are kids in the neighbor's yard.

eta: I texted my sister, hey let's go on a roadtrip, and she agreed. And then I almost responded "we could bring Lily!"

What are you doing, self, what are you doing. I'm telling you all this because I can't tell her; it would break her heart. If you have our dog, asshole stranger, know you've psychologically damaged a seventeen-year old girl and she will never forget this. She dreams about you all the time and I have the text messages to prove it.