January 27th, 2016


I've been deprived of the cute turtle breads. :(

Mostly I've felt :SSSSSS this week but here are the bright spots:

1. Mentally wrote my Sunday/Dean's birthday into weird parallel world fanfic to make myself feel better:

- woke up at 5am to work on an archive, part of which involved this woman recounting her fin de siecle youth where she was visited by apparitions of bloody, ritually maimed bodies

- had what I thought was going to be a work meeting but ended up being someone confessing their crippling caretaker tendencies and some really bad news re: a mutual colleague's current straits

- drove excessively far for a meeting I didn't really want to go to, only to realize that half the people in attendance were nuts (similar to how one might greet a gathering of hunters attempting to collaborate on literally anything, I imagine) and that the thing I just signed on to do was about to be a completely futile effort beyond all assistance I could possibly give (similar to the non-assistance I was able to offer the person at the first meeting)

- stopped at that bakery that had the cute turtle breads I shared a few months ago so that I could eat a cute turtle bread in Dean's honor, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE IN THE DAY AND ALL THE BAKERY HAD WAS NORMAL, BORING BREAD. This was a lot more heartbreaking than it probably needed to be, but it was like. I just wanted one thing to be nice today! Goddamn! XP

Anyway. All of that was made less horrible by experiencing it through the lens of aggressive SPNfiltration. Just your casual low-key Winchester Sunday. :3

The other day, I also found my new favorite cute D/C passage. It pings my thingstiel/thingchesters kink pretty hardcore. Even though I don't typically consider myself a reader of cute, nor cute D/C, I can't get over how much I love this.

It's from a fic that's an AU from the end of S6. In this part of the fic, Sam and Dean end up going to Purgatory together in order to save/retrieve Castiel, and Castiel is carrying both their souls back out (the way Dean did for Benny in canon). Dean gets his cleanfreak side on here, and Castiel realizes that their Profound Bond is allowing Dean to cleanse the otherwise mortal wounds Castiel suffered in Purgatory.

[G]et out of my way, Sammy. I'm working.

Castiel frowned. Working? Dean, what do you mean?

Dean’s soul swelled and sagged in an equivalent of a shrug. I dunno. Cleaning, I guess.

Cleaning what? Sam asked.

Stuff. Dean replied. Everything. I don't know. I feel like I'm made of Scrubbing Bubbles or something and I just need to get everywhere or something bad will happen. His voice turned petulant. Just leave me alone for a little bit. This is hard.

Placing a hand to his chest, Castiel observed Dean’s movements deep inside his grace.

D'aww. How cute is that? SCRUBBING BUBBLES!DEAN. It's from the All This and Heaven Too... It Means Nothing Without You series by amberannh, which was written for the DCBB. No explicit content--instead, intimate soul-bonded gen! With lots of Sam, which I liked because I tend to get sort of anxious if I'm reading non-minor character fic and Sam isn't present. XD


Yup, still taking this animal studies course. Yup, still #spnfiltrating like no tomorrow. But honestly, some of this Biblical stuff is screaming for it. Disclaimer: Not Christian. Not Jewish. Not Muslim.

But irrespective of my lack of credentials here, take this passage from Clarice Lispector:
And everything that crawls on the ground and has wings shall be imund, and shall not be eaten.

I opened my mouth in fright to ask for help. Why? Because I did not want to become imund like the cockroach. What ideal held me from the sensing of an idea? Why should I not make myself imund? Exactly as I was revealing my whole self, what was I afraid of? Being imund? With what? Being imund with joy.

Obviously there's a lot going on here, and I won't bother getting into all of it because nobody needs any more school in their lives, really. But Basically what Lispector's ruminating about here is that one time she stepped on a cockroach and stuff squirted out of it, but the cockroach still survived, and she felt compelled--God knows why; literally, only God knows why--to put it in her mouth.

She's at first afraid of inheriting the cockroach's status of being imund, which is often translated into English as being impure, or "unclean."

You know, that word Sam was on about in S4/5/8 and that word Billie used to describe him again in 10x01.

But what Lispector points out is that that's actually not a very exact translation (thanks for that, The English Language!). Because imund is from immonde, from mundus (the world).

Imund isn't so much impure or unclean as it is out-of-world. Beyond the confines and definitions of our world--that is, God's world.

To be imund, then, is to be precisely who you need to be when you're facing down God and His sister, the Darkness. <3

I don't have any specific point I wanted to make with this foray, but I wanted to share it because I feel like this is something I think Sam would appreciate Castiel pointing out at some point post-10x10, [Spoiler (click to open)]were Castiel, you know, around to be pointing things out. D:

ETA: GUYS. XD My intent here was to talk about Sam Winchester IN LIEU OF LISPECTOR/CIXOUS, not the other way around! XP I actively dislike Helene Cixous, which is why Sam was coming to rescue me!


Also, this:

In the last three hours of the day, God sits and plays with the Leviathan, as is written: “you made the Leviathan in order to play with it.”

—Talmud, Avodah Zarah

...Talmudic proof that God is apparently an aggressive nine year old? XP

Letters to Friends

I realize it's only been like...four days since my last bout of quality time with LJ, and that four days is nothing. But it's been a JAM-PACKED and frankly rather unpleasant four days, okay??

I went back and read all your entries and commented on 999 things, and I feel so at peace. I love hearing everything you have to say, from your lives beyond the Internet to your creative endeavors to, of course, all things SPN, and I value deeply all you share. Being able to partake of these pieces of you makes me so happy!

I haven't started on the fic (so many goodies!) but I'm definitely looking forward to them this weekend. :)

I think some things I need to get better at:

- Allowing myself LJ/SPN time, regardless of whether I've finished my work or not; because let's be real, that is an endless thing. But I just end up feeling GUILT about fun if there's not really time for it, which makes everything WORSE. XP I just need to be like, self, it's 15 minutes. You will not really be any worse off than you would be if you worked all 15 of those minutes. Plus, you'll be happier.

- Less Twitter. Twitter is easy and temping because you can just scroll past stuff when you're waiting for meetings to start or streetlights to change when you're walking places, but I honestly think Twitter makes me unhappy. I mean, content-wise it's the one place I ever see an abundance of wank. But like, I NEVER see the actual wank, just people wanking about wank or about wankers, and it's frustrating as shit because it's like jfc NIMBY. NIMBY NIMBY NIMBY. Which is a poor solution IRL but I think it's a perfectly decent on where fandom is concerned. XD

But mostly it's that it feels so passive to me. Not that you can't converse there, or Star things, or whatever, but for every act on Twitter there's a thousand silences and I think without LJ/conversation to balance that out it makes me crazy.

Also, the other week my housemate asked me what I'd done over the weekend (she went to Nevada and did epic rock climbing; I stayed home and felt jealous and inadequate and bad about myself). But I also caught up on LJ. So I told her, "I wrote a lot of letters to friends."

I told milly_gal that "letters to friends" was apparently my new euphemism for Livejournal. I think it's kind of cute! XDD

These have been some thoughts.