November 20th, 2020

free fall

15x19 "Inherit the Earth"

I have burst into tears three times today:

1) Very unexpectedly, when I was telling my morning class how proud I was of them, and how profoundly I hoped that they were able to recognize how remarkable their achievements this fall have been.

2) On the off-ramp on the way home from buying a burger (er, two, actually, let's be real here), which involved me pulling into one deserted machine shop parking lot and one vacant lot trying to find the stupid burger place, getting off 1-94 in the town I live in as Metallica was transitioning into Nickelback (lol), thinking about how proud I was of Sam and Dean. By the time I got home the radio was playing "Rooster" and I had to sit in the car for a while, let it get a few refrains in, as the space filled with the smell of onions.

3) That musical montage capping off 15x19--I absolutely loved the mix of classic shots and bits and pieces of things I know happened but would never call to memory on my own. Just me crying and laughing, very audibly. I am honestly not a big crier when it comes to SPN (even though I will cry over completely random one-off characters in Law and Order I literally do not even care about), but that was everything. ♥

Also, from the empty streets to the happy returns, this is the mf TV content this pandemic needs.

Also also, there's a place called the Angels Gentleman's Club on my bike route (and what would be my commute route, if I were teaching in-person). I've always felt like it definitely had SPN vibes, because it is in a VERY random little town in Michigan and on the side of the road and has just this cartoonishly set-like facade--and also "Angels." A little on the nose, right?

But last Sunday morning when I biked past it, no joke, there was a single white Corvette in the parking lot.

Death rides a pale horse. ♥

everything ends

15x20 "Carry On"

Update: I have now burst into tears six times today. The three times before and then three more times during this episode.

The last time I cried this hard was late February. Halfway through a campus visit in Lynchburg, Virginia, in a shoe-themed hotel, I got a voice mail telling me I'd lost my dream job to someone else. I cried loud enough I"m pretty sure whoever was in the adjoining room could hear me, because I knew I could hear them. I cried until it hurt--until it was just viscerally painful. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to be dehydrated, it hurt because I'd wanted it that badly and because I knew I was going to wake up the next morning and finish this next job interview like nothing at all had happened. The time before that was because my grandmother had died.

This time, though. All three times (well, four now). It's because I am so, so unbelievably proud of Sam and Dean. I'm proud of Show. I love you so much. You are everything.

You are everything.
free fall

Ramble On

Me and you--my entire adult life. Literally, the whole thing. From the summer I turned 18, and visited Alaska for the first time. (I mean... it's the only time I've been to Alaska, but hopefully not the last.)

I've moved into 9 different homes with you. Nine.

I've visited almost all the states (missing Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Connecticut, New Jersey, Delaware, and Oklahoma), most of them more than once. Some over and over (and over and over)--Kansas, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, Arizona, Illinois, Indiana. BC and Ontario, too.

A BA, a Masters, and a PhD. My first quarter teaching as a professor.

I've totaled three cars. The first, off a mountainside in rural West Virginia. I learned two things: Black ice is vengeful and I've been well-trained. All that first aid training did what it needed to do. The second two were the same car, the car I am still driving. First time: Farm road, rural Kansas. Got acquainted very nearly literally with the entire town. Drove the thousand miles home with no rear end, a bad wheel bearing, and the throatiest exhaust leak a 175hp 4-cyl can muster. Third time: Hugged the girl who hit me and told her she was going to be okay. (Cried for a week.)

He's going to roll 200,000 miles tomorrow, at which point I will have owned him longer and driven him further than any of his previous four owners. I know that this will be, in part, for you. ♥