I think the second part of that that's fucking with me right now is having these kind of half-formed/malformed characterizations and interpretive choices that I kind of want to float, and kind of want to play with, but don't want to commit to and be like guys, This, capital T, is what I think.
Logically I know that's silly, because even if that is how things come across (and they probably don't), literally the worst thing that could happen is that an average of seven people in the entire world are going to read it! And it's fanfic on the Internet--they will likely skim it! The stakes are low!
And it's not like I'm mulling over possibilities that are really overtly shocking or mindbending; we're dealing in the minutest of sinusoidal alterations to response, or biorhythm, or whatever. It's not like I'm planning to write some raging mytharc epic or about-face characterization of anybody.
Maybe this is the effect of too much Tumblr-reading! Because you read all their meta and you get to seeing fandom as this place of like, hardline divisions and very particular unmoving rhetorical stances possibly hostile toward, but mostly wholly uninterested in things outside of their views on X or Y or Z. To say nothing of holy confirmation bias yowza, it sort of makes you feel like whether you prescribe to that sort of relationship to a canon or not, that's how you're going to be perceived--whatever you write holds like, this potential to SLOT YOU FOR LIFE. Which is, as I said, likely overreactive.
But at the same time, man, I know for a fact that sometimes when you write a thing, there's that pocket of the Internet that's like "weird, I had no idea Kalliel swung that way" when meanwhile you're over here like OMG IT WAS ONE TIME. XP
And maybe it really doesn't have anything to do with fandom at all. Maybe it's just me and Sam, and Dean, and Castiel, and wanting to do right by their incredible complications and only managing to catch them in odd scraps and flat sketches. Maybe I do want to write something that's all of Dean, or all of Sam, to me: "This is what I think." Instead of "This is 10% of what I think about you and only 2% of that is precise enough to be alive and interesting imho."