Kalliel (kalliel) wrote,


LESSONS WRITING FOR S9 HAS TAUGHT ME: "You can spend a whole weekend regretting how badly you're fucking something up and how ineffective your efforts to save it are, but you're just going to keep fucking it up, so you need to stop caring about that and just see it through to the end. Sorry, Sam."

Last night I was thinking about BB, and trying to figure out how to move forward with the stupid thing, and I was just like... you know, it would be easier to just let the whole of it go--all the tens of thousands of words and hundred-odd hours that have gone into it--rather than patch it up and shove it to the finish line. And I just kept thinking about how wildly okay I would be with this! I am not attached to what I've written, and even less so what I haven't yet. And like I've felt that way about other things I've written, obviously. But they were done and finished and I could just walk away.

But in this case, it's like, I'm collaborating with an artist who's been working her ass off and working all kinds of magic and trying so hard to make our project awesome even though she's super busy, and you guys have been so phenomenal with all of your writing advice and your moral support and your beta-reading offers and your patiently scrolling through months and months of whiny dreck. idk, on one hand, I'm a "you started this, you'd better fucking finish it" kind of person, especially when so many people have been helping so much, but it just will not, no matter my efforts, see itself written.

I know the whole platitude where you should be writing for yourself, and I was, but I've already done the part of this that was for me. I've done my learning, and I've had my ass handed to me. I just wanna go home. XP The rest of this is "for" Sam and Dean, and for me through them. And while I was initially way more on board with the Sam parts of this fic than the Dean ones, now that I've sucked it up and written all the Dean ones I'm just looking back and what I've written for Sam, and what I haven't yet, and it's just so inadequate, and so unconvincingly Sam, it's actually kind of gross. Because Sam deserves SO. MUCH. BETTER.

:( Saaaaaaam.


All you need to do is see it through to the end, self. One week from now, and it'll be over. Just write a thing.
Tags: fandom: spn, i use lj the way other people use tumblr, writing, wwdd: what would diesel do?

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