Kalliel (kalliel) wrote,

Fandom is my Fight Club even when I'm at Fight Club.

I realize that literally every time I interact with a person I come running here to overanalyze the experience, but I don't think I'll be able to get away from that part of me any time soon. At least I'm doing it with you guys and not just me, and me, and more me, right?

I hung out with some women from my cohort today, because one of them wanted to talk about fic and games and nerdy stuff. This is a big deal because I've "hung out" with people exactly twice this summer, not counting time spent with people at conferences, and not counting my family. I'm always game to talk about nerdy stuff, even though my nerd credibility is a lot lower than it seems, because I devote my everything to exactly one show and one fandom, and that fandom is my Fight Club--as in, I can't talk about it. I just happen to be fluent in general nerdiness--I've seen Firefly! I've played some games! I've read some comics! I know about MCU because I have friends who know about MCU! But I was a little nervous about this meeting because within days of my accepting the invitation, the woman who hosted wrote this long post on Facebook trashing SPN.

You know, that exactly one thing that I love and live my life within. ~lolz

We talked briefly about fic (though when she asked what my fandom was the only thing I could say was "I prefer not to say"). And we played some really cool games that totally expanded my idea of what a video game was. And if I wasn't committed to dedicating my free time to exactly one thing and that thing only, I could see myself being a gamer with those kinds of games. But it was still kind of sad that we arranged this afternoon on the basis of being able to talk freely about our nerdy things and I couldn't even admit to my fandom there. I understand that this is definitely mostly a failing on my part, and not hers, because she can say whatever she wants about SPN, but fuck! Jesus. XP

Anyway, it was overall really lovely and affirmative and made me feel good about writing fan fic and doing things that aren't prelims, even if it was really uncomfortable to talk about intimate things like fandom in a ~safe space without being able to name your goddamn fandom. But wait, there's a second part to this afternoon of neuroses!

Because I spent an hour waiting for the bus to go to her house planning out on a legal pad what I was going to need to do, what I was going to sacrifice, and how very strictly I was going to be able to spend my time in order to really dedicate myself to this prelims stuff. And I was totally on board with those rather stringent limitations on my free time until I went to her house and saw she was doing something a lot more pleasurable. And now I don't know what to do.

I haven't had a chance to write all week, except for long text messages of fic I sent to myself while waiting for the bus. And there's so many things I want to write, and that I want to finish. But I'm supposed to be reading the fuck out of my prelims lists right now, and planning my stupid class, and, you know, being responsible to my responsibilities. I have no right to not be doing that, especially after the amount of time I took off to go traveling, to visit with my family, to go to that JACL convention, etc. So clearly the answer is staring me in the face but after this "hanging out" business I don't know if I can be an grown-ass adult and accept that as gracefully as I thought I could while I was sitting at that dumb bus stop.

I know all the options and all the answers and all the potential consequences (good and bad); I just don't want to accept any of them. I just want to write stories in a pocket of timeless space. Is that too much too ask?

P.S. And it's not that she's taking the pleasure road because she's a less dedicated student or anything like that. I'm just stupid and haven't read anything, ever; she actually has read much of her prelims list--it's just reading she happens to have already done.

Also, man, haha. If you're new to this journal, because I friended a bunch of people from that meme, I guess I should back it up a bit and say HELLO. I'm a PhD student in English (environmental justice/Native American/Asian American literatures--emphases on resource/land use and management, fish, and law/sovereignty). I'm in my third year of six, which means I'm studying for a HUGE ASS EXAM that decides my ability to continue on to my dissertation (and discusses the shape of said dissertation).

My relationship to Supernatural is obsessive and intimate and intense to the point where sometimes I can't talk about fandom even to my own fandom, much less to outsiders. I'm stupid sensitive to negativity (even well-meaning snark, sarcasm, etc.) and all of this is a problem. This probably needs its own post someday, or like, its own warning label on my userinfo, but this will do for tonight. XP
Tags: a sock in the dryer, academia, i can't watch tv like a normal person, trufax

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