Kalliel (kalliel) wrote,

happiness is dangerous, overrated, and depressing

Crystal and I drove down to Toledo and had a fantastic Midwestern Thanksgiving with a friends' relatives (there were 13 of us total). So welcoming and entertaining and close-knit. <3

It made me feel like we were and always had been a part of the family. It made me miss my actual family, and think about Christmas Eve/Christmas, and the Thanksgivings my family is having right now; and it made me miss my flannel babies, too, in these bright and vivid incursions.

And it's just--that much more upsetting to think about going back to the prelims monastery, having had this taste of happiness and comfort and, you know, actually being alive. I don't want to go back. I mean, as it was, I'd just wake up and think, "oh, not again." And you just get to work anyway, and after a couple hours you basically just resign to your fate and keep working. And you have your choice of three emotions: angry, anxious, or despondent. Because even when you're happy or excited you're not really those things. Except maybe when teaching goes well.

But like, to take SPN as an example. I don't actually feel like I'm in love right now; I'm not actually excited; I'm not actually enmeshed within that world in any real and potent way (unless having an uncanny memory for random S7 quotes counts, which it does not). But at the same time I know, cognitively, that I'm in love, that things are exciting, that there is space for enmeshing, so mentally I make up the difference. There's just not actually anything there right now, and there can't be.

There can't be because, for one, I'm fucking tired. And again, not in a sleep debt way. When I yearn for television it's less about the thing itself (less than it should be) and more about wanting 42 minutes of reprieve. And two, happiness--brief forays into happiness--simply aren't practical at this juncture. Because they remind you what you're missing out on, and what you can't have, and make you yearn too much.

And it's like, if this is going to be a thing that happens, if this work is going to get done and this exam is actually going to happen, the yearning's got to go. The idea that there's better things you can't have yet has to take a lap, vanish for another month or two. Because this is all or nothing.

On a related note, the whole self-care kick my Facebook timeline is on? I don't get it. No, that's wrong; I get it, I do. But I don't think I actually believe it. Because self-care feels like shit. It makes you feel guilty but also resentful and then more anxious because it just makes you more behind and more fucked than you were before. And I get that you're supposed to learn how to not feel guilty; and I get that self-care practices have lines on efficiency that can make up the time expended on them--in theory. In theory. It's like comfort food--like, that actually, literally and physiologically, makes it worse. And there is not a candle in the world that will get you in the zone to the extent that the time you spent communing with said candle was actually worth it.

tl;dr Thanksgiving was too wonderful and tomorrow is going to be awful. The next three weeks are going to be awful. And winter break is going to be even more awful because it will be all the Thanksgiving vibes to the nth power, and this won't be over yet. (And in the words of a professor I had a few years ago: Spoilers, it actually never is.)
Tags: academia, fandom: spn, insufferability is plan a, wwdd: what would diesel do?

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