Kalliel (kalliel) wrote,

My #OMG IT'S JUST A SHOW worldproblems and making everything more complicated than it needs to be

Hi, it's me, phoning in to present the world's STUPIDEST anxious hangups. I can't watch this show like a normal person I can't watch this show like a normal person I can't watch this show like a normal person.

1. I decided to teach MW to that I could stay up on Wednesday nights to watch SPN, and have Thursday to work from home while also having some ~private time~ with all my emotions, and so I wouldn't have to ban myself from the Internet for days at a time so as to avoid spoilers.

That's all well and dandy, except:

- The second I finished watching the episode my first thought was "fuck, I still don't want to go online because I don't want to risk watching people tear it apart, or even nibble reasonably gently." :\ So much for the "I can totally have free, unrestricted access to the Internet if I watch things on time!" idea!

- "I have nothing scheduled and can work from home" = "I have nothing scheduled so I can meet with students outside of my normal office hours, schedule meetings for conference planning, and spend the rest of the day at the DMV/ at the optometrist/etc." none of which is at home and none of which allows for me to have private time with MY MANY EMOTIONS. XP GODDAMN IT.

2. I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE EPISODE. And every episode. And I'd like to write reaction posts (which are 95% "so this thing happened in canon, how many different fic ideas did that open for us to explore???"). But... I haven't read reaction posts since early S9 or so, because of my aforementioned inability to handle negativity--regardless of how hypoallergenic said negativity is, or isn't. Because I can't ever just scroll past or let it fucking go, and end up replaying all the negativity in my head?? You can say "it's just a show, calm down" all you want, but theory vs. praxis, man. XP

But I also am not really comfortable writing my own thoughts about episodes if I'm not reading those of others, because it makes me feel like what I'm saying is "my opinion is more valid than anyone else's and it is the only one that matters!!!!"

Like, those people who are like, "Oh, I'm so glad I'm a creator of fanworks, not a consumer of them." (Actual paraphrase from an actual Tweet, though not from anyone I know.) Which, like, from my perspective, if you're creating fanworks but won't deign to indulge in the creations of others, because you're a ~creator, not a ~consumer, lol go fuck yourself.

But that's kind of what it feels like I'd be doing if I wrote up all my thoughts but was also making this explicit decision not to read other people's. Dilemma. :(

3. I HAVE SO MANY PLANS FOR DEAN'S BIRTHDAY. 100% more plans than I ever have for my birthday. XD I don't know that I've ever celebrated Dean's birthday with burgers and pie, and maybe one day I will. But there's a lot more to Dean than burgers and pie, so maybe I won't. XP (Have I ever written Dean and burgers, or pie? I'm not even sure??)

But anyway. I guess most of my plans for Dean's birthday are things that I would have done anyway, or don't really have a choice about, but it's DEAN WINCHESTER'S BIRTHDAY THIS WEEKEND and naturally my every action and thought will be inflected by this, among them driving excessively far for something that probably isn't even worth it and I don't really want to do (arguably 9000% more Dean Winchester than even pie).

But there's also a birthday-themed burlesque performance on Saturday night, which I'd originally wanted to go to, because I know one of the performers and I know lots of burlesque dancers who will be in the audience. And while Dean and I undoubtedly have very different relationships to both burlesque and burlesque performers, we would probably both enjoy this event. XD

But now I'm kind like... do I really want to go? Crowded venue, past my bed time, could be IN BED rewatching SPN instead, because otherwise I won't have time.

I've never been to a full burlesque performance, but I loved the showcase acts I've seen. At the same time, they have one every month, so I can always go later?

But it's Dean's birthday. Celebrations are in order?? But rewatching 11x10 could also count as celebratory, right?

See, this is why these are the world's stupidest anxieties and indecisions. But uh, I'm still having them. This is not a drill! XP
Tags: a sock in the dryer, beekeeper!dean, fandom: spn, i can't watch tv like a normal person, wwdd: what would diesel do?

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