And apparently Apple does not carry parts for computers over 5 years old (except in California, where they are legally required to carry them for 7, which is why this was never an issue before), so they can't help me.
Apple just threw me into the Empty and didn't look back.
So now I need to find a reputable online seller with the world's fastest fucking shipping, because I've already called all the computer stores in town and they can't help me, either. I WILL FUCKING DRIVE TO YOUR WAREHOUSE MYSELF IF IT'LLBE FASTER THAN USPS. I have the screwdrivers in my pocket, I'm not even kidding.
That might be a bad idea, though, because my check engine light is on and my engine belts are too tight and my phone battery is erratic and these are literally only my electrical/material problems right now.
I have a knife in my pocket, too. (And one in my bag, and another in my car, actually.) if this is going to require a blood spell, I'm down with that, too.
Just take me back to California('s super random legal statutes). I want to go home.