Kalliel (kalliel) wrote,

False Memories

Omg, I'm so upset about Ruby's death in 4x22. ;( I realize it's been like seven years and this isn't news but I am genuinely really upset about this! I LOVEEEEE HER. I'm also really upset about Cindy McClellan, RN, the woman/demon Ruby and Sam exsanguinated. Even though--clearly--I remember how 4x22 goes down, for some reason I had this vivid complete-with-visuals impression that she didn't die after, you know, waking up in a dilapidated chapel and then being shoved into the trunk of a car and driven to kingdom come, screaming herself hoarse all the while. I'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE!

Also, I really want fic about her husband. She's been dead now longer than they were married--maybe even longer than they knew each other. D;

Two Ruby headcanons:

- She didn't mean to fall in love with Sam, but she did. She knew every step of the way he wasn't in this for her, but it wasn't a lie--when she said she remembers what it feels like to be human. It feels unrequited.

- Her favorite cuisine? Korean. Bulgogi, kimchi fries. Soon dubu for Sam, early on, when he's accepted the blood in meaning, but still can't stomach the taste.

I can safely say I have never felt so emotional about 4x22 as I do in this moment. :')

Also, I've never read this scene this way before, but in the context of having just seen 4x17 and 4x19, that scene at the beginning of this episode where Dean rather uncharacteristically leaves Sam for dead and gives up on him doesn't actually have that much to do with Sam, or them. Dean's obviously upset, and feeling very betrayed/hopeless/manipulated. But he frames it in terms of how Sam reacts to "you walk out that door, don't you ever come back." This is, of course, John's ultimatum before Sam leaves for Stanford. But that's Dean's own manipulation--he chooses to put it in those terms. THAT WAS YOU, DEAN. XP

Because he's still so fucking afraid that that's going to happen again (MY BB DDD; <3), that that is the truest part of everything about them. He puts it in those terms because if you do it yourself, at least you're ahead of the game, and you don't get blindsided. The fortune cookie fits because Dean made sure he was the one writing it, and it's wound so tight around this whole other thing that it almost isn't about Ruby, or demon blood, or Lilith at all.

Which I think is so telling, in an episode very much about narrative, God's plan, and Supernatural's very fucked up introduction to the most manipulative, scheming Apocalypse ever--the extent of what narrative is capable of.

And so powerful, because when we return most searingly to the question of the Apocalypse and the role of destiny in 5x18, and we return to Van Nuys (or the Room of Requirement, or whatever), and we've gone through 5x16 (that moment of [perceived] abandonment again!), it's about letting that whole narrative go. It's about Sam not keeping Dean on lockdown, even though lockdown is verifiably that moment's smartest possible plan; and about Dean not leaving him, even when all signs point to Yes, He Will and Sam knows it.

By the time 5x22 rolls around, they're singing the words to a whole different story. It's still fucking terrifying, and it's still miserable. This time, though, it's a story about being alone--but never abandoned. <3
Tags: fandom: spn, spn centennial hwy rewatch

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