Kalliel (kalliel) wrote,
Kalliel
kalliel

Literally can't watch this show like a normal person

You know how I was like, "I wanna watch 14x08/09 so badly"? I've since flown across the country to California (immediately after a full workday, a very confusing interpersonal experience, an all-nighter, and a truly miserable day in the air), slept a lot, and re-watched four episodes of Season 1 of House, MD.

But not 14x08/09. Because now enough time has elapsed that I feel like I can't just watch them; it's gotta be the right moment. EVEN THOUGH I GOT TWO EPISODES INTO HOUSE AND THEN THOUGHT, "OH GOD I WANT MY BOYSSSSSS." Did I stop watching House? NO. NO, I DID NOT. WHY.

--

I keep doing the thing where I want to hang out with Sam and Dean, so I start writing. But before the thing is finished, I've got my rocks off, so to speak, so I just hack together a back end and finish up for the sake of finishing but not with any eye to making sure it's like... an actual story.

Which is great in terms of my own self-indulgence, which is arguably the whole point of fic in the first place. But at the same time, I'm like, okay, but that's not necessarily fair to Sam and Dean, who deserve to be part of stories that are stories, and also deserve to be well-characterized. (And these stories I'm either not trying that hard or trying characterization things that I don't necessarily think are real or true, or things that I end up not really liking.)

And selfishly, part of me is like, self-indulgent not-fic hangouts are enjoyable, but I think at the end of the day I want to be able to look back on this body of SPN work and have it be something I'm genuinely proud of. Instead of just seeing a bunch of detritus that's like "well, that was fun in the moment, but it'd still be fun and gratifying even now if you'd like. Tried harder. Exercised a modicum of writing discipline." (But part of me is also like, I AM SO TIRED I NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES ANY EFFORT EVER AGAIN, IN ANY CAPACITY, AT ALL.)

So that's an impasse I'm not sure what to do with.
Tags: fandom: spn, i can't watch tv like a normal person, writing
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