Kalliel (kalliel) wrote,
Kalliel
kalliel

15x20 "Carry On" (3)

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I like, genuinely cannot function like a normal person today. I had a standing anime date after I finished watching 15x19 and 20 last night, so I was able to throw myself into another form of media to keep some balance in my life. (Though all the feelings came roaring back the second we stopped watching and I was lying in bed at 1am, deeply anxious and completely wired.) For all my chores today I have not been able to focus at all. I was putting clothes away and even though all the clothes were basically the same clothes (uhhh... a pile of sweaters and jackets on my bedroom floor) it took my three tries to put them all away because I kept just...wandering...away... and forgetting what I was doing. Same with putting away the groceries, doing the dishes, etc. LOTS OF LAMAZE BREATHING.

Any time I am not actively reviewing student assignments or meeting with students, I am just like, OVERCOME WITH EMOTIONS. I feel like I need a buffer, but LOL all my buffer activities like grocery shopping and cleaning are also when I'm mostly likely to be thinking about SPN (because I'm not thinking about work) so they are USELESS to me. XP They're not sad emotions; like, I don't feel sad SPN has ended (well, yet--who knows, maybe that's a belated flavor that will crop up later, XD). Like, I'm honestly fine (right now) with the idea that there will be no more episodes--because similar to my feeling when there's a SPN episode that is clearly not for me, I'm cool with that because there are hundreds of them; it's chill. XP The finale (which I guess here means 15x18-20, because I saw them all basically together) felt so, so deeply true to SPN in all the ways I adore and all the ways I don't (but remain deeply invested in because they are SPN, in the truest sense of itself); it made me feel whole. <3

But then I was like wait wait wait wait wait baaaack the fuck up--

[Spoiler (click to open)]Because the way the emotions are filtering down is just like, me spending all day being super anxious on Sam's behalf. My brain is just like, OH GOD BUT IS HE GOING TO BE OKAY. To which my heart responds, yes. Yes, yes he absolutely is and we know it--we've seen it.

And my brain shouts, NO, I DON'T MEAN OKAY EVENTUALLY, OR OKAY IN THE END. I MEAN RIGHT NOW. IS HE GOING TO BE OKAY RIGHT NOW.

My heart replies, with absolute, unmatched, god-tier levels of conviction: Absolutely. Even when it hurts. Even though it's up-hill all the way (pulling out the Rossetti, because it knows me). It's never been true, not really, not once in 15 years, but this time it is. The answer is yes. Abso-fucking-lutely.

My brain: BUT IS HE--

It's not even that I don't believe my heart. 'Cause we're talking like, absolute absolute certainty here. It's still just rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. AaaaaaAAAaaAAAaaAAAaAAaaaAAhh
Tags: fandom: spn, spn x, yum cups
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  • 28 comments

  • me, actively trying to avoid my own Show on tumblr lol

    I am SO mad I understand this post. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT BNHA IS ABOUT! AAH!

  • We Always End Up Here.

    I am not someone who keeps track of JA or JP's endeavors or lives outside of their characters on SPN (though I do follow Gen and Danneel lol), but I…

  • The Family Market

    At the grocery store today... Grocery Store: *is playing "Heat of the Moment"* Me: oh no emotions Grocery Store: *follows this up with "Carry on…