Any time I am not actively reviewing student assignments or meeting with students, I am just like, OVERCOME WITH EMOTIONS. I feel like I need a buffer, but LOL all my buffer activities like grocery shopping and cleaning are also when I'm mostly likely to be thinking about SPN (because I'm not thinking about work) so they are USELESS to me. XP They're not sad emotions; like, I don't feel sad SPN has ended (well, yet--who knows, maybe that's a belated flavor that will crop up later, XD). Like, I'm honestly fine (right now) with the idea that there will be no more episodes--because similar to my feeling when there's a SPN episode that is clearly not for me, I'm cool with that because there are hundreds of them; it's chill. XP The finale (which I guess here means 15x18-20, because I saw them all basically together) felt so, so deeply true to SPN in all the ways I adore and all the ways I don't (but remain deeply invested in because they are SPN, in the truest sense of itself); it made me feel whole. <3
But then I was like wait wait wait wait wait baaaack the fuck up--
[Spoiler (click to open)]Because the way the emotions are filtering down is just like, me spending all day being super anxious on Sam's behalf. My brain is just like, OH GOD BUT IS HE GOING TO BE OKAY. To which my heart responds, yes. Yes, yes he absolutely is and we know it--we've seen it.
And my brain shouts, NO, I DON'T MEAN OKAY EVENTUALLY, OR OKAY IN THE END. I MEAN RIGHT NOW. IS HE GOING TO BE OKAY RIGHT NOW.
My heart replies, with absolute, unmatched, god-tier levels of conviction: Absolutely. Even when it hurts. Even though it's up-hill all the way (pulling out the Rossetti, because it knows me). It's never been true, not really, not once in 15 years, but this time it is. The answer is yes. Abso-fucking-lutely.
My brain: BUT IS HE--
It's not even that I don't believe my heart. 'Cause we're talking like, absolute absolute certainty here. It's still just rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. AaaaaaAAAaaAAAaaAAAaAAaaaAAhh