Kalliel (kalliel) wrote,

Today's Edition of "Things I Loved Before I Dropped Everything For SPN"

I needed something to passively watch while scanning images and documents, and because Law and Order was not readily available ended up with House. I picked S5 at random and ughhh gotta say, it holds up. <3

House is the only show I've ever purposefully and religiously tuned in for every week, outside of SPN. The relationship was very different from SPN, obviously, in that at no point in my entire life have I ever wanted anything more about House than what is contained in the episodes, least of all fic or fandom. I stopped enjoying House in S6 and therefore stopped watching (though five or six years later did go back and finish out the however-many seasons there were--and came again to the conclusion that I'd stopped at the right point for me). That never really colored my enjoyment of S1-5 reruns, though.

I'm two episodes out from a traumatic character death--a character death that happened twelve years ago, and I still feel visceral dread. That's not what I wanted out of this casual rewatch, so I may just stop, but I wanted to mark for posterity how powerful cherished stories will probably always be.

It's funny, because earlier today I saw a piece of fan art for a family I wrote a lot of fic for in the mid/late-00s (this would also have been my peak House time period, and my original Bleach period). I stopped reading that series when I stopped enjoying it as well, though I've never gone back to revisit it.

But I saw this art, of the character and his brother and mother walking through rows of tall and tangled tomato plants. His brother and mother's faces are obscured by tomato leaves and vines.

I'd completely forgotten his love of tomatoes until I saw this piece, which had been painted for his birthday. But the second I saw them I was like, oh, of course. Of course, baby. <3 It's the brightest, sunniest, sweetest little summer vibes tomato picture. But you can see his family's obscured faces and you just know--it's a dream. It's a wish. (Because when he is 8 years old, his brother [age 13] kills their parents and every other relative he encounters on his way out the door. Everyone except his little brother.)

EXQUISITE PAIN, even for a character I haven't thought seriously about since 2009 and whose story I know I will never finish, nor will I ever revisit the half that I did love. I don't carry this love for this family around, day to day. But I keep it at home, and a rogue tomato fan art can break it open at a moments notice. <333

It's funny, because I've been thinking a lot about whether I want Bleach to be a fic fandom this time around (it was not the first time), and I really don't know. I would like it to be, because I don't know how to do long-term fandom if not by writing. But I'm still not sure if I feel so moved in my heart. Are there stories I want to explore? Can I learn these characters in new way through writing, can I fall more in love with them in this way?

But thinking about this tomato kid and his family--characters I have not written nor thought seriously about in over a decade--I'm just like, oh, I could write you in a heartbeat. I could do it right now. I barely even remember his mother's name, but I know who she is on the page. I know exactly how I'd love them through writing.
Tags: fandom: misc., i can't watch tv like a normal person

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